Bob Dylan sang ...The times, they are a-changin'...
They are indeed for me. I have lost my inspiration to write those poems that I used to churn out like a machine. I say machine because I believe the poems were a result of the information I was forcefully feeding to my brain. I was making myself feel things that did not exist. My so-called real and intense 'feelings' were a projection of what I wanted to feel, not my genuine reactions, but the ones that I felt appropriate under the circumstances. There was a time when I actually used to care, but that time has long passed and all I was trying to do was to fill a void.
People who are close to me believe they know me. I wish this was true. I wish they really knew what goes on in my mind and how I deal with it. Truth is, at this point of time, there is not a single person in my life who knows me enough to be able to say "yes, i know her completely," because no one ever tried. They are always happy to just pour all their innermost feelings and thoughts into me. Apparently I am a good listener. No one gives a damn as to what I have to say because I am either "too serious," "too boring," or, my favorite, "too random."
So here is the deal. I am indifferent. There is no other word to describe how I feel right now. I have stopped caring for most people. Call me selfish, call me harsh, or call me crazy. My 'friends' never really acted like they ever cared much, and it is time to return the favor. I definitely do not feel like writing any more mushy poems at the moment, because this mask I have been wearing has used up all my patience. The emotional and psychological toll of dealing with this weird dichotomy of real and imagined feelings has been immense and I am burnt out.
It is time to take a sabbatical and meet the real me. No more writing about things that are a product of a feigned existence.
They are indeed for me. I have lost my inspiration to write those poems that I used to churn out like a machine. I say machine because I believe the poems were a result of the information I was forcefully feeding to my brain. I was making myself feel things that did not exist. My so-called real and intense 'feelings' were a projection of what I wanted to feel, not my genuine reactions, but the ones that I felt appropriate under the circumstances. There was a time when I actually used to care, but that time has long passed and all I was trying to do was to fill a void.
People who are close to me believe they know me. I wish this was true. I wish they really knew what goes on in my mind and how I deal with it. Truth is, at this point of time, there is not a single person in my life who knows me enough to be able to say "yes, i know her completely," because no one ever tried. They are always happy to just pour all their innermost feelings and thoughts into me. Apparently I am a good listener. No one gives a damn as to what I have to say because I am either "too serious," "too boring," or, my favorite, "too random."
So here is the deal. I am indifferent. There is no other word to describe how I feel right now. I have stopped caring for most people. Call me selfish, call me harsh, or call me crazy. My 'friends' never really acted like they ever cared much, and it is time to return the favor. I definitely do not feel like writing any more mushy poems at the moment, because this mask I have been wearing has used up all my patience. The emotional and psychological toll of dealing with this weird dichotomy of real and imagined feelings has been immense and I am burnt out.
It is time to take a sabbatical and meet the real me. No more writing about things that are a product of a feigned existence.
Be what you are. Rant when you want to or write mushy stuff if you feel like it. Let your personal satisfaction be the driver, not what others want to hear from you. Keep writing.
ReplyDeletemarked a what??
ReplyDeletepoems flow from emotions only
use the pain
use the longing
the hurt and write us some more
selfishly yours
neerja
Yupp! It's really great Being what one is! :)
ReplyDeleteYou have poured a lot of emotions into the post.Sadness, anger, disappointment etc. Being one's own-self is so much easier and the right thing to do. Enjoy life, it comes just once. No time to waste doing stuff which is not important to you.
ReplyDeleteCheers !
Even it is not real you !
ReplyDeleteFind it and then be the real You.
I would LOVE to see the REAL you. :-)
ReplyDeleteI really hope this post is purely fictional and has nothing to do with the real you because the you I know doesn't feel so intimidated by what others think... The Viti I know is a strong girl who has her own projections (yes you are right), but that is the best thing... People may say whatever they feel; they may want you to feel their way; I might try to make you feel better but you don't need to alter yourself the way others want... Whatever you do is Beautiful and whatever you wish to do will be the same too... The 'tigress' I know is not afraid of expressing her real emotions and will not feel that void if she doesn't want to... She is caring ("good listener"... definitely) and capable of making others feel what they deserve... Be Happy and Enjoy Life without being concerned whether others return your favour or not... Coz those who care, will always do so... and they are the ones that matter... :)
ReplyDeleteYo babe! loved it :). seriously. and you express yourself well. way to go! \m/
ReplyDeleteIt is time to take a sabbatical and meet the real me. No more writing about things that are a product of a feigned existence. --- WOW!!!
ReplyDeletei want to see a poem written on that last statement of yours. Poetry is expression of yourself .. :)
ReplyDeleteah, a fellow person in longing of true self discovery. however, I havent lost all patience yet. And apparently you are a writer. I am impressed. I am a writer as well, although I write stories, not poems.
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to follow yourself. If you are a true writer, then you will know what I mean by that.
just read you post, got to know about it when i logged on twitter after many days, all I can say as a friend and fan is that I am with you, i support you totally, be what you want to be and do what you want to do..you are really very young to be worried about these things..."let go" enjoy life, "be happy" forever..happiness doesn't need a reason, happiness is an attitude...just be happy and keep smiling for no reason at all, even when u are really happy even when you feel hurted...everyone loves you...just be HAPPY
ReplyDelete